By Terri Shlichenmeyer




You had to have it.

You saw the ad, you wanted the item, it was on sale, you had to have it, that’s that.
So - flier in one hand, debit card in the other – you rushed to the store and, well, you got what you were looking for but the place was a mess, the sales associate was frazzled, and it took forever to check out.

Ever worked retail? If you have, you might sympathize with the poor sap behind the register. If you’ve never worked in a store, though, read Retail Hell by Freeman Hall and get ready to laugh through your new education.

Freeman Hall wanted to be the next Spielberg. He wanted to write a blockbuster screenplay, win an Oscar, and be invited to Hollywood parties. But once he got to Los Angeles, he realized that he needed to pay bills while waiting for the Academy to call. So he applied for employment at a famous high-end retail store he calls The Big Fancy.

During his interview with a woman Hall dubbed Tammy Two-Tone (because she had two tones of voice: sweet and dragon), he was told that he had a “free spirit personality”. Although he assumed Two-Tone was taking advantage of her gaydar and though his inner voice was warning him that it was a mistake, Hall took the job. He would be selling women’s handbags.
Not purses – handbags.

Hall quickly made friends with half of his co-workers. “The Angels” taught him, amused him, and helped him get customers (associates at The Big Fancy worked on commission and most handbags were $500 or more). His other co-workers were demons who sniped at Hall and stole his sales.

As in most retail jobs, though, the customers were what made work, work. Hall met the Shoposaurus Carnivoarus, a woman with a potty-mouth and a propensity for spending five figures on handbags and accessories. He met Discount Rat Patty, who constantly badgered him for “deescount”. There were Nasty Thieves and the Two Virginias, Piggy Raelene, and a retail vampire who sucked the work-blood out of everyone who dealt with her.

But sales, like other industries, are cyclical and Hall was ever-pressured to perform. Could Queer Eye Handbag Guy survive?

As someone who spent ten years in retail (A bookstore. I loved it. Go figure), I laughed myself silly over this book.

Author Freeman Hall is sarcastic, flippant, snarky, and dead-on in his portrayals of both shoppers and co-workers. His stories are hilarious and only, I’m sure, a tiny bit exaggerated. In fact, anyone who’s worked retail, past or present, will be tempted to insert their own store’s name into this book while reading it, and you’ll recognize way too many customers and cohorts here.

The holidays are coming and you might be thinking of taking a part-time mall job to make ends meet. If so – or if you’re already working retail – this book will make you laugh through the season and beyond. Pick up Retail Hell because you know you have to have it.

Retail Hell
By Freeman Hall
c.2009, Adams Media
272 pages, $22.95 Terri Shlichenmeyer has been reading since she was 3 years old and never goes anywhere without a book. She lives on a hill in Wisconsin with two dogs and 11,000 books.